I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
