I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize