Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
