you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
