they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
