You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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