how can u be prego again
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize