Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
