No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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