if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
