Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Even the bartender felt bad for me
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am naked and annoyed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
