im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
