We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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