im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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