Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
