It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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