mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
