i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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