Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize