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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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