My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
