He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
