Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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