Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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