Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
