Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize