also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
