I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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