did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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