Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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