Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
