Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize
