I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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