So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
