you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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