i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
