Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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