No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
