i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
