when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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