I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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