Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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