Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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