She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
