I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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