he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize