Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
