I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
