Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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