Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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