The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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