we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
