i just had sex bonerless
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
