someone get that fucking seahorse.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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