I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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