i permit you to call me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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