at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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