The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
