I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
