real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
