Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
