just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
