I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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