I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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